I cried and I thought I deserve to get fired as a mom at least that moment, that day.
I felt terrible.
I can’t believe I misclick the right button to record our daughter’s piano recital performance. I did notice the absence of a “red dot” and the word “rec” on my camera screen. But I continue holding up my camera and watch her play thru live view.
She looked beautiful. “Hip” with her cowboy boots matched with teal lacy dress. She sat gracefully and hands perfect on the baby grand piano. She played, Minuet and Trio. She had great timing.
I heard “wows” and “nice” whispers around when she finished. She did marvelous. She received a warm applause after her great performance.
When I checked my camera I realized that I failed to record it. I miss the whole performance. I was very disappointed and so was my husband. It felt worst when he said, “You’re fired being a mom”.
I watched the whole show and soon I had to leave for work.
I cried on my way to work. I cried while at work.
I wanted it documented. I love to keep memories and look back into it someday; also it would be nice for her to see herself on stage and realize how great she is after all those moments when she would like to quit.
I thought, the “wows” and “nice” compliments and applause from the background would prove that she did great; and inspire her to keep playing, learning and have fun with piano.
But all I had planned did not work . I failed and I need to forget about it while I was working. I couldn’t move on.
There must be something wrong with me, I thought. I prayed about it to settle my heart.
On Psalms 30:3 it says, “For His anger is but for a moment; His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
I may be weird but I grab my Bible when I am really sad even for simple situations that bothers me. I always find comfort in God’s word. It sounds crazy considering that it was just about missing the right button.
As I was thinking and writing my journal I remember every detail of that day. Everything about her. I think she was nervous. She sat with us in the audience before the show started and I watched her playing her fingers against her piano book; she was probably practicing. If she was stressed, she handled it wonderfully. She played with no mistakes and memorized her piece. She did what she was expected to do. She got it right. (See, if I did not miss the right button, I could have it recorded and insert it here as a proof.)
The next day, she told us she was nervous and she actually was nauseated. “That feeling”, according to her Dad, “makes you stronger because you did a great job.” My husband called it “adrenaload”.
I realized I did not miss that moment. I watched and listen her play. I am grateful to be there and very proud how she did; and I can’t be fired as a mom just because I miss the right button.
She may remember that I forgot to record her show but I know our daughter; I know she is more grateful that I was there.
I realized life is more than a click of our devices. Gadgets are made for convenience or for keeping and documenting memories we created. Sometimes it can be life’s distraction.
Memories are made with our time and presence. It is made with a desire to live that certain moment. It is made by heart.
“How do you think people survive long long time ago without high tech gadgets?”, my husband’s statement to calm me down.
Failures can appear unexpectedly in every situation. It makes me uncomfortable. It can rob my joy but not for long. God is gracious enough to remind me not to dwell on it.
I was sad that her grandma who is thousands miles away won’t see how she did; but there is a lot of it coming. There is going to be more recital coming; she’s only 8 years old for goodness sake.
There is more to life to focus on and be grateful for. There is going to be a lot of mistakes, tears, and pain that I will go through. A lot of learning. A lot of patience. A lot of love. A lot of healing. I will forever experience all these because I am a mother. My seat will stay and I am blessed to be in this position; and I will never get fired. I love being a mom and everything that goes with it.
Imagine how difficult life would be for our children if the rule is getting mothers fired when we miss the right button. Thankfully, it does not work that way.
Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of a good report — if there is any virtue and if there is any praise — think on these things. Philippinas 4:8