Sampling The Taste Of Loneliness

This is an honest experience I had and I am writing this down to remind me that pride can kill my soul, that it won’t bring me peace but misery, that it can hurt; and I’ll be reaping bitterness at the end of the day if I won’t let go of it.

Silent treatment after an argument with my husband, caused by a stupid petty thing feels like I was having an incurable disease. It was killing me inside.

Silence.

No touching.

We  only had basic conversation like, “Food is ready”, “I’m going”, “I’m taking her to piano lesson tonight”, “I’m taking her to swim lesson”, “She’s having a play date tonight,” “Grandma is coming to watch her later”.

If we don’t have our precious daughter, we won’t hear our voice.

I am not bragging but we were excellent in hiding our misunderstanding because our daughter did not even notice. We just had an argument, that was it. The next day we were quiet. It lasted for a long time. It was stupid. I hope it won’t happen again.

As we prolonged the silent treatment, I was getting scared. I was getting use to it. I love my husband and I did not want our situation to get worst.

I was sad inside. I was missing my best friend. I missed talking to him, hearing his voice, looking at his face and  his smell.

In bed, I felt like a stick lying on my back, too cautious not to touch his hairy legs, or making sure that when I’m on my side my buttocks won’t touch his’.

I was miserable trying to fall asleep (and he was probably laughing at me) because I have a habit of swinging my legs around his waist and let it stay there for five minutes until I am ready to turn to my normal sleeping position.

And I felt like a hypocrite, visiting and praying over the old folks at the nursing home where I volunteer, when my heart at that moment was unforgiving and stubborn to settle the situation between my husband and I at home.

I know I have to give up my pride and break the silence.  I know it was the right thing to do, to quit waiting of who is going take the initiative to patch things up.  And the message at church one Sunday morning made it clear to me. It was Romans 12.

“9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.

18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

I finished the series based on this chapter by going to church with our daughter every Sunday. I love the message but it was not enough for me to live by it.

I told myself that I will be the first to talk to my husband. But I didn’t.

I became broken-hearted.

I missed the “ordinaries” at home. I realized that the simple things we do over and over are more than a habit. Those are special, I was longing for it.

I love it (and I missed it) when our daughter and I would race to the door to greet my husband when he comes home from work. She would squeeze herself between us so she can have him all by herself.

I missed our after-work-conversation at supper time,  and eating lunch together when our daughter is in school; I missed his thank you(s) after meals.

I missed us giving each other a “running-out-the-door” kisses.

When he is watching T.V. , it was awkward to walk past him because we  like to cuddle.

The kitchen table was too neat, no more quick happy notes.

At meal time, I missed his annoying facial expression when he fuss about the food I cook.

I missed him pulling my hair or grabbing me wherever or whatever he can while I am doing the dishes.

He always asked, “Are you warm enough?” and he does this daily and he would increase the temperature to 76 because I am always cold…. but at that time, he was silent.

We were not okay.

I missed all that.

I was sampling the taste of loneliness…. I realized.

When my Pastor gave us a home work to read 2 John, I felt unworthy to read it. I refused. Why should I read it?

But my spiritual and emotional battle did not stop right there.

The thing is, when I decided to accept Christ, I surrendered all to Him, I allowed Him to be in control of my life. Everything. The good and the evil in me. He knows where my weaknesses are and for some reason it where His mightiness prevail. His strength keeps me coming back to Him. He lovingly manipulated everything like making His promises true, finding hope in His words, His faithfulness in daily basis and to those countless answered prayers ( I wish I wrote them down one by one), the comfort in my soul when I talk to Him. He shows off His capabilities so I can  trust in Him alone; and to keep me from searching and waiting for something else that can harm.  He is indescribable. His ways I cannot explain. I was disobedient despite His greatness.  Unfortunately, my plan did not end up glorious. I couldn’t hide or run away from Him.  It is true, “No one can pluck you out of your Father’s hand”.  His plan is to keep me in Him, His path.

Since, I realized that my pride is crushing my spirit and the silent treatment was keeping my husband and I more apart, I decided that I will break the silence.

Our daughter's note from one of the services during those time.

Our seven years old daughter’s note from one of the services during those times.

I was nervous of what to say and what his response is going to be. I would practice in my head (at work) of how to approach him when I get home. I was at the end of all these trouble. And all I wanted is to end it.

I want us to be friends again.

When I got home from work, I did not wake him up. Instead, I lied down, still, like a log. I prayed.

The next morning, thankfully it was Sunday, he was still in bed. I was feeling like I am backing out. I would take a deep breath and count. I did it many times. Finally, I swung my hand to his chest  and I said, “I miss you Honey”. Silence filled the room. My hand stayed there.  My head paralleled to his arm. He reached out to me, squeezed my hand and kissed me in the head. We were quiet. We held each other for a long time. It was a relief and most of all peaceful within us.

HEBREWS 4:12
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a
discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

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